I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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