Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
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