the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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