i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Randomize