We tried having a conversation with our noses.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
50% drunk capacity currently
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Randomize
