Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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