i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Randomize
