I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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