Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Randomize
