ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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