Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
