Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Randomize
