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It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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