While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
You peed on a flamingo?!?
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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