just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
