i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
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