I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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