she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
Randomize
