I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize