Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
is it fun? or sober?
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
