my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
