So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
My Sexting was not on an AP level
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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