my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
