I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Randomize
