Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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