It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
