Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
