i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
