i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
