After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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