accomplished twins. life is a go
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
