the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize