I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
