Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
