Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
