you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
the raccoons are back...
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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