I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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