someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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