On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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