Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Randomize
