If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
