Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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