VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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