thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
