I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Randomize
