Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize