yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
