I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
