My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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