wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize