If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
