Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Randomize
