White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
