If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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