I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Randomize
