There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Randomize
