Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
