just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
