im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize