Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
