Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
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