Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
