Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
