The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
