whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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