Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
