You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
