I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
